""Why have I lost the desire for my partner?""

Skrevet d. 7-2-2020 02:12:53 af Sutton Atkins - Terapeut, Coach, Kærlighedscoach, Sexolog, Parterapeut

""Why have I lost the desire for my partner?

... and how do I get it back again?""


This is a question I get asked a lot, by my clients.

The answer is, as annoying as it may seem; "it depends". But In this article, I will introduce you to two very common reasons why this happens, so you can identify if one of those might be the reason you’ve lost the desire for your better half.


If we understand that intimacy and desire are at two opposing ends of a continuum, then one might ask “where is the sweet spot”? Well, the answer is that it’s different for every couple, and every person. The factors that define what is “right” for you and your partner are many, ranging from “how strong your own connection is to your inner true self”, to “the practical demands of your lifestyle” or “the stage of your life”.


The most common trap couples fall in to is to “merge” with their partner, sometimes out of practical necessity (i.e. getting life to function; kids, career, finances, duties, etc.), but often because we’ve been brainwashed since birth to believe in the ‘hollywood fairytale’ that one person can fulfil us forever, and that if that person is ‘the one and only’, then they “will be our everything”. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Merging kills desire. Couples often forfeit erotiscism for emotional security. Emotional security is safe, comfortable, and not at all sexy. Erotic desire is dangerous, risque, and not at all safe. They key? Balance.


“The paradox is, intimacy is diametrically opposed to erotic desire.”


The key to regaining desire is to create an erotic space between us. (But just being aloof and distant won’t cut it - that will only alienate your partner.) We have to maintain connection without smothering the other person, while still developing a space for desire to flourish.


Also, I often see clients that are trying to find desire for their partner, but can’t and they wonder why. When I dig a little deeper we discover that the person doesn’t really love themselves. If a person can not and does not love themself, then it is impossible for them to love another long term. Then the therapeutic process begins with the single individual, and not with the couple as many would believe.


“The connection you are looking for is not love for another ... it's a connection to your inner self you are looking for.”


I guess you might be afraid to find what you are looking for, because you are afraid that if you find it, you believe you might lose the connection to your husband. However, it IS POSSIBLE to find what you are looking for (to find yourself), and STILL keep the connection to your husband. Actually, often when you “find yourself” you will feel closer to your husband and your sex life with him will improve. He will notice a difference in you, he will see you differently, and he will react differently. It will change your relationship dynamic forever... for the better!


Relationships, communication, and emotions are often complex, but the bottom line is; if the individual is not mentally and emotionally healthy, then no relationship can survive and blossom. This is why I always assess the individual before investigating the interaction between the pair. Food for thought…


7 symptoms you have merged with your partner:

  • You feel like you're living with a friend, not your lover.
  • Your sex life is stagnat or boring.
  • The spark has disappeared.
  • You feel you spend too much time together.
  • You rarely have ‘quality time’ together, but often do ‘practical tasks together’
  • You feel alone in your relationship. You don't DESIRE your partner any more.


5 simple tips to make erotic space:

  • Praise your partner for the practical things he contributes to your life.
  • Try to see yourself as an individual, not only as part of a couple the whole time.
  • Discover your partner's love language.
  • Try to communicate in your partner's love language.
  • Refresh connections to your own friends again, when out with them, send flirty texts to your partner.


4 simple tips to begin to ‘find yourself’:

  • Make time to be alone with yourself (no mobile phone, computer etc.)
  • Meditation and self-reflection.
  • Make a list of 10 things you are good at. Keep a ‘positives diary’ of the positive things that you did each day.
  • These tips, however, are only the tips of the iceberg.


To explore these issues further, to find personal solutions specific to YOUR case, click the “Kontakt mig” button, or the "Gratis forsamtale" button, top right on my profile, and let’s talk! And you can get a FREE 30 minute discovery call (online video, or in person in Frederiksberg).


Happy loving everyone,

Sutton Atkins

Sexologist and therapist. 






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